*TEARS*…FROM A STRUGGLING SINGLE MOTHER

Dear Met,

Greetings to you and your bloggers in the mighty name of Jesus. I hope this e-mail finds you and the JMG family in the best of health and wealth. I wish to share my story with you and am asking if you could kindly allow me a space on your site so I can bear it all. I’ve always been an avid reader of your site and many times draw strength from it, as it keeps the populace informed and entertained and I respect the opinions of the bloggers on the various issues discussed, which can be brutally honest at times, so much so that I thought long and hard before finally deciding to send in my story, but I welcome their comments and if you plan to go public and put your story out in the open you have to take the good with the bad and also be prepared to accept the positive as well as the negative critiques and backlashes too.

This is not the norm for me as I’ve always internalized my feelings, and have been an introvert when it comes on to sharing the personal details of my life or problems with anyone, and if there is ever a situation or a problem I always try to resolve it on my own, without any outside intervention or help as I hate to be a bother to others, or want anyone to go out of their way for me. I grew up with a father who taught me to help all those who I could help, and who desperately needed help and give generously, but never to ask or let anyone knows my setbacks or my weaknesses, to always keep that information concealed. While I think this is somewhat good to an extent; I’ve recently begun to question if I am willing to lend my support to all and sundry, then why should I be afraid to ask for help if and when it is needed, after all aren’t we suppose to be our brothers’ keeper? However, while it is not wise to vent to any and everyone, because some
people enjoy seeing or hearing of your struggles, I am the type of person who is very intuitive and at times is led by the spirit to people of excellent character, I somehow still finds it difficult to confide in others and ask for help when it is needed. Strange enough I have this magnetic quality about me that seems to draw people to me for advice and assistance, a part of me always sees the best people and believe we can find the positive in anything if we look hard enough and always think that I can help others less fortunate than myself, from the little that I have, but was deathly scared to once seek help or ask for assistance no matter how great or small the feat was. In our better days, my children and I would visit the Mustard Seed children’s home and take toys, stuff animals, canned food and items of clothing (both used & new) to the children in state care, to enjoy the feeling of satisfaction that comes with giving and to be appreciative
of what they have, but now the tables have turned on us, due to my kidney diagnosis, at times I blame my illness for their suffering; having taken so much from me… We still make that heartfelt visit to the Children’s home sometimes to do our volunteerism & give back, and although we might not have gifts and money to offer, we give our time and love. So now although I still choose to remain anonymous to whom I choose to share my story with, I do not wish for my situation to go unknown, I wish to bring it to the fore and while I seek compassion and empathy and help is now being sought. It seems like no matter how hard I try the problems are mounting, I think maybe its because my children and I are trying to build a greater bond with Jesus Christ, why they devil seems to be attacking us. I asked Jesus to change my default setting and unclog my pipe of progress and I believe if we trust and believe God he will come through for us, He certainly didn’t
carry us this far to leave us.

I’ve always been an ambitious, independent, persistent person and from ever since I can remember, I’ve always worked hard through blood, sweat and tears for what I have and what I wanted to accomplish in life. I believe everything happens for a reason and that nothing happens by chance, even the bad things that I am experiencing now, serves a purpose and is preparing me for what is to come. Even the Diamond one of the most jewel on earth had to go through a arduous process, it was just a rock before it was washed, scrubbed, go through hours of melting, burning, scrapping, rubbing to be transformed into a precious gem. So rather than looking at my everyday occurrences from a negative and depressing perspective, I see my circumstances as preparing me for the next stage of advancement and providing me with renewed hope.

My road has not been an easy one, but I’ve heard and seen worst so I feel extremely blessed nonetheless. Im not sure where to begin, do I start at the beginning, mid way, closer to the beginning or closer to the end, I don’t think it matters much where I start as long as I get my words out & my story across, that’s what is important, but before I tell you my problem I need to provide you with some background information of the events leading up to it.

Things started going downhill for me, seven (7) years ago after I start feeling excruciating pain in my lower back, a visit to the hospital revealed that my kidneys were failing, yes kidneys; at it was both, as they were losing their solid form. Life for me as it is would be no more. What this meant for me was I had to postpone me dreams and goals in life… to live; to have a fighting chance to survive. I was now in a vulnerable position/state one, which I have never been in before, it sent me into a tailspin. My mind was flooded with questions, what ifs? why me? why now? why ever? I’ve never had more than a common cold growing up, I felt sorry for myself, more so sorry for my kids & my ailing mother and other family members who looked to me for support, emotionally, physically, financially or otherwise, as I did not have the financial prowess to seek good health care, and thus feared I would end up being another statistic and a victim of this silent
killer. I feared that this illness would claim my life eventually as I being the selfless person that I am, I would not sacrifice the little hand-to-mouth money I was earning to take care of my kids to pump into sourcing medicine, but I was defiant that whatever was thrown at me, I would overcome and this wouldn’t be how my story would end.

Although I was already a mother of two, my worries deepened when I discovered, I was with child; while I strongly believe that children are a blessing, I did not plan for another child, but I was still thankful to God for the blessings growing inside my womb, as two, was now 3, in some context 3 can be a small number but in my case it seemed like a huge figure to me.

Ever since I can remember, although being the youngest of 4 kids, Ive always been the caregiver of my family. I was the encourager, the motivator, so even when I was diagnosed with a kidney disease I still portrayed this façade of strength even though I was dying a slow death inside. I was very selfish to myself, I always put others need before mine I would always try to make everyone happy and comfortable if it even meant giving them my last & would find it hard to buy something I needed even if it was a juice or a work shoes, because I had a bill to pay or I felt that my kids or my mother or some family member might desire or want something, so others were always my priority and not me. I always put their wants before my needs, no matter who it was even if the person was a stranger to me. My illness changed that; it thought me to care about myself more, because if my needs are not met and I am not alive, I will not be here to love and care for my
family as I would have wanted to. My advice is, if you are a working woman or single mother, who is the bread winner or the sole provider it doesn’t matter what you have to do or which bills you have to pay, do something special for yourself once in a while it doesn’t have to be extravagant, it can be buying yourself that bottle of coconut water or cranberry juice that you want but refuse to buy t because you think that someone else needs something. Make the sacrifice for you, as you have done for others and stop being selfish to yourself.

I tried seeking medical care by way of the free health care, but the system was so heavily burdened & lack resources, I felt defeated, I felt like my life was slipping away like sands passing through a hour glass. Due to the economic meltdown, I was now a contract worker on reduced hours/flexi workweek. It was next to impossible I thought; to afford health care, maintain my job and provide for my kids and pay my bills, all at the same time, with so much happening. I tried several different medication and generic drug to reduce expense whilst trying to find one that would work well for me, and to cut cost, but they were all very costly, I was informed that I had to commence dialysis immediately and was placed on a donor list and asked to have family members donate blood in anticipation of an operation. I was booked to do dialysis, as my condition was deteriorating quickly, The appointment was schedule shortly thereafter, I turned up at the dialysis
centre and I sat there waiting, I remembered seeing a young man, maybe in his early twenties or so with a urine bag attached to him, we struck up a conversation being my usual compassionate and caring self and jovial person that I am, who always sees the glass as being half full rather than half empty. His urine bag fell from his feeble hand and I took it up and secured it to the wheel chair he was sitting in, he was shocked, flabbergasted even, that I touched his urine bag. He said that most people would scorn and frown upon him due to the high ammonia scent, which was emitted from him at times, but my action was quite the opposite. He looked so frail like he was close to death, although he sported dreadlocks, I still proceeded to ask him if he knows a man name Jesus? and told him he was the greatest Physician there ever was. He said he was a Rastafarian and believed in Haile Selassie I told him Jesus didn’t care who you were, where you or from, or
which religion you believe in, but he should have faith and hold on to the hem of Jesus’ garment and never let go. I instantly remembered my little blue bible that I took everywhere I went, I took it from my handbag, it opened up to the most frequently read bible verse Psalms 23, I read it in his entirety and started praying for him. Mind you so, I wasn’t a devoted Christian, Im not baptized or anything so I didn’t really know how to pray for someone, but words didn’t failed me, they just kept coming and I sent up a touching, heartfelt, tear-filled prayer for him. By communicating with him I found out that he discovered he had kidney disease about a year prior, he said he was doing ok but once he started doing dialysis his situation started deteriorating rapidly, he had to give up his job and couldn’t do much of anything. I sat there going over things in my mind from thought to finish, I was so deep in thought that I sat right in front of the
nurse calling name and it did not dawn on me that my name was being called, she must have called it 3 times before I snapped out of the temporary trance I was in. I got up but instead of walking towards her, I made my way to the exit. I had the funds to pay for that session of dialysis and there was no food in my house for my kids to eat, how would I be able to keep the lights on and pay my bills? I thought. The thought of having to give up my job, although it was a meagre salary, that could barely buy food and pay my biils, I was still grateful anyway, not being able to care for my kids or myself scared me.

I was the primary provider for my kids and my daughter fathers turned out to be less than a man, I don’t want to vilify him and because I do not have much good to say, I choose to say no more. It wasn’t like this in the beginning, but his true colours came shining through, he turned into a party animal who did not care about providing for his kids anymore. My family was not in a position to assist me financially but they supported me emotionally, mentally & physically and any other way that a person needed support. I was too scared to ask the public for assistance, I have never asked anyone for anything before, I just didn’t know how to, so I looked to the heavens from which my help comes, and ask my Heavenly Father for a healing. The Doctors told me that they advised me what to do which was the dialysis and I defied their instruction, so I was asked to sign a document that if I died, they would not be liable and my family could not hold them
accountable. I was advised that I had a matter of days to live, and they had schedule an emergency c-section to take my baby at 7 months, I told them I would wait until full term to give birth, and they said that the possibility exist where neither I nor the baby would survive until then, as my hope for survival was dim, as due to the advance stage of pregnancy my kidneys were under a lot of stress and had to do twice the work for both me and the baby in their already deteriorating state, and we would eventually die. I am proud to say that here I am giving my testimony today and the baby who they say would die inside me, and would not make it to full term, lived; and is now 6 years old and will be starting primary school this September.

Thanks be to God, my illness is now in remission, but not before it exhausted all my finances and leave me severely indebted, and out of pocket. There were times when all my salary for consecutive months had to pay for my medication, and didn’t know where the next meal would come from or instances where I would put my kids to bed and not know what I would give them for breakfast the following morning when they wake up, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, and he watches over, and looks after his people. Regardless of how bad our situation was or how difficult life got for us, we never went a day without food we might have gone 23 hours without, but not 24 !!! Before the close of day he always, ALWAYS, sends a good Samaritan or as my daughter would term it, “his guardian angels” to bring help. Whenever we didn’t have anything she would just say a prayer and say “mommy don’t worry I ask God, and he said help is on its way”. I often times
had to borrow, but never beg!!! I hid my vulnerabilities from almost everyone, and if anyone sensed it and asked, my response would always be “we are blessed, or we are ok” Sometimes my kids would go to school with only Ja$50 for lunch and break or a small cheese trix and a bag juice, but they always manage to turn out good grades nonetheless. They were such understanding and exceptional children who never once complained or never followed the crowd, nor steal or beg. I taught them to survive and life lessons and survival tips and always impressed upon them to satisfy with what I could give them until better comes, that sometimes it was the children who had little or nothing and ate sparingly excelled, while they ones who are blessed abundantly waste away their time and opportunity.

I wrestled and struggled with this and cried to my sister telling her how unfair I thought it was to pay for medication when my kids needed food, she said “would you rather buy food and not be here to see them grow up or would you rather pay for your medication and shared one seed of banana with them??? That was a wake up call for me. Although I am struggling to find food, send my kids to school and pay my bills, I am thankful that I am BROKE BUT STILL ALIVE!!!!!!! I went a couple of months ago to see how my kidneys were doing and the test came back that they were in perfect condition, and I now have a clean bill of health. Who could it be but Jesus??!! There is no God like Jehovah!!! That baby saved my life in more ways than one, but that is another story in itself.

Despite all that the Doctors were saying, I still took my chances, when I could not find food I prayed, when I was in excruciating pain and could not source the funding to pay for the medication I prayed, when I could not find money to send my kids to school I prayed. One thing I can say to you my fellow bloggers there is POWEEEEERRR in the name of Jesus!!!!!!! No matter what you are going through, never give up, always remember that the darkest hour is just before sunrise. My relationship with my daughters’ father ended over a year ago, due to infidelity on his part. The eye opener for me was when my daughter in basic school did her test and came to me and said “mommy, I got perfect scores in all my test except one, I got 98% I think you need to come to school tomorrow and tell Teacher that I got the correct answer, but she marked it wrong” I said what was the question baby? She said “What is your father’s occupation? I said what was your
answer? She said “I wrote sit around and watch TV all day” There was a odd moment of silence… lol I can laugh at it now, but in That moment it hit me like a ton of bricks. You know what Metty, do you know that children have a unique perspective on things?? I can just imagine the Teacher reaction was when she read that answer, it must have been one of shock L and then laughter J Then and there I decided that, that was not the type of role model I want for my kids, I wanted positive people around them who were setting exceptional examples for them. I ended the relationship with their father, I have not received anything from him for my daughters since, but I wasn’t getting anything from him for them even before he left, so good riddance. I learnt the hard way that you cant teach people to have ambition its either they have it or they don’t.

Its now back to school and I know I wont be getting a penny or a dime from him. What brought me to tears was when my older daughter (age 8) said to me “mommy If I even have to go to school barefooted, I would really appreciate getting my books, I would be so happy” when she saw that maybe that would not be possible as I would have to concentrate on getting school supplies for both she and her little sister as well, she said “mommy don’t worry, if you cannot afford to send the both of us to school September, I will stay until you can find the money and let my baby sister go instead because it is her first time going to primary school” This to be is the ultimate sacrifice, a little child shouldn’t have to be thinking like this. With tears in my eyes I told her that she doesn’t have to think about doing that because if there isn’t a way God will find a way. The bags are tattered and torn having to go 2 school terms already, but they have
been washed and sown if they are required to go a third. I have glued their shoes that is lifting, but my biggest concern is not being able to pay their school fees and purchase their books. I tried getting them on the PATH program which is a government aid system so they would get lunch subsidiary 3 days per week, but Im not getting any traction from that, I guess because its oversubscribed because so many persons who don’t really need that benefit abuse the system, or maybe its because they asked if I have a inside bathroom and gas stove and I answered yes to both, and so because telling the truth is worst than lying, I was denied. Its modern day now if I can save my partner and raise my standard of living must I still cook on wood fire or cold stove?? So my kids will not be able to benefit from a system which my tax dollars are contributing to, now that I have fallen on hard times, until I get back on my feet??!! I even tried bringing the young
man to family court to pay child maintenance & keep getting the run around from the court, after several visits to court and time taken from work, Im being advised that the summons wasn’t served even though I have provided them with address, gate number, land mark, box number and full description of the young man and his location my date is being pushed back to another 3 months. Whose side are these judicial people on anyway, is it the dead beat dads or the struggling mother?

I am now asking that you keep my kids and me in your thoughts and your prayers. I also welcome any positive words, emotional or mental support through the comments section or by your deeds, if after you have heard my story you find it in your heart to assist, my kids and I would really appreciate that. If you have read this to the end thank you very much, and may the good Lord continue to bless you. I leave you with these words: You are highly favored, always remember that and never forget.

Yours truly
Struggling Single Mother