Yesterday I was in a taxi from Spanish Town heading home to Ocho Rios scrolling through my Facebook and Instagram timelines all while reminiscing on the great day I had on Saturday at maiden cay. I stumbled upon this post on my Facebook timeline and my mood immediately changed “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to realize that prisoner was you”. I didn’t become saddened or happier I just felt empowered and the event of my rape came back to me in that moment and I immediately wanted to share how me forgiving my self and my rapist freed me! This is my story and this was my prison :
After I was raped I fell into a prison that the situation and I put myself in.Unlike many other people, I just wanted to have sex, a lot of sex because some how I felt that if I did it would make him be as far away from me as possible, I’d be cleansed of his touch. I used to shower a lot because I didn’t feel clean, I felt dirty all the time. I scrubbed and I scrubbed and nothing.
I used to allow people have their way with me because I felt like I was nothing and nobody. I was no one. I used to tell myself that any ill treatment I got I deserved it. I fell into depression a lot while dealing with my daily life and the other issues that came along with it. I couldn’t watch tv without seeing his face, I didn’t like to be out because I saw his face, I didn’t want to sleep by myself because he was there, I didn’t like to dream because he was in it. When I learned his name, his name was was in my head on repeat and I saw it everywhere.
My prison was also me being at a place of weakness for years and feeling dead inside, the thought that I will never be healed plagued me and sunk me deeper. I thought I was undeserving of anything good or that I wasn’t ever going to be good enough for another man because I am broken. Sometimes hugs felt suffocating, the simple touch of a man felt violent sometimes and most times I wanted to scream. The words “hug me” frightens me and scares me sometimes up until this day.
My prison was also trying to bring myself back to reality as most times I would be screaming inside at the touch or hug of another man “this is not real Tamoya! You are safe” and i slowly bring myself back to comfort and peace.
My prison was also thinking almost every time I go out or meet another man if he would hurt me “will he violate me?” Again I have to bring myself back to comfort and peace. Most times the easiest thing to do was zone out, not feeling anything but still having the thought that “whatever happens happens ! I was raped before so what if it happens again!”
Over and over I told myself I couldn’t live like this, I needed to be happy. After all He might be somewhere enjoying his evil self. Many days I realized that forgiveness would be my next step as stupid as I thought that the thought might be.I decided to forgive, I forgave him and I forgave myself. Today, I feel like I am somebody, I feel like I have purpose and I am happy. I’m no longer in a prison. I still jump inside when I think I see his face, or I see his legs, I still have to remind myself that it is not him when I see someone that that looks like him. I still have to tell myself that every man is not like him. And I still feel afraid or my heart gets stuck in my throat when I walk in my home town. I still go through all of this and one day I will not have to but regardless, I am still free ! Don’t call me a victim I SURVIVED.
#PushAndProgress
#FreeYourself #Forgive #forgivenessIsNotWeakness
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Thomoya, the beauty and strength that is you emanate clearly from your words. You are absolutely worthy; worthy of everything that’s good and most importantly, worthy of the forgiveness you finally accorded yourself.
Do NOT Ever Be Ashamed Of Any Decisions You’ve Made. We find our healing on different paths, at different times and there need not be any remorse about your healing.
Be strong as I’m sure you’ve been and know you’re as worthy as the best of us for no one dies a virgin, as life fcuks us all.
Sending you love and light.
:kiss :kiss Thank you so much Tamoya
Thank you for posting met and thank you foxy for those kind words !
:kiss thank you for this I cant tell u how much it means to me :kiss
Bring tears to my eyes
Tamoya do not let this define you. Your words prove your strength of character. You are a strong and phenomenal woman. I hope you will reach a point in your life where the memories do not haunt you anymore. May the Lord grant you continued strength, comfort and peace. Let go & let God do the rest.
For some reason this letter touch me i have never been in such situation but at times i do feel unworthy and always say to myself what ever happens happens , moving forward i will set myself free from such thoughts and know i am worthy of love.Thanks for sharing your story with us Tamoya you are a strong young lady and i admire your bravery..
Wow
So touching, Kudos to you Tamoya,you have found your strength in knowing and acting. Your story reminds me of the Japanese proverb, “Fall seven times, stand up eight”. So happy that your “light” once out, is once again blowing into instant flame, through your encounter with that post. Continue to keep your head up, and always remember that you should never let the evil of one destroy the joy of many. God continue to be with you on this journey…he is never far away.:) :shakehand2 :2thumbup :2thumbup
*Tears*..I woke up this morning n I keep repeating this quote..”My thoughts are my reality n I’m thinking of a bright new day”…Tamoya, continue to be the brave strong person u are. I pray Jehovah will send u a partner who will make all ur fears n anxieties disappear. Who will wrap u up with true love n keep u smiling! U are a survivor!
Thanks for sharing Tamoya. You are special and free
Thank you all so much for your beautiful comments ! I really appreciate each and every one of them from the deepest part of my soul I do !
God Bless you Tamoya
This one brought me to tears bwoy, as i too struggle with forgiveness. This concept is hard for me, but thank you Tamoya for sharing, much appreciated..