PART 2 A DI WIFE A DONE DI MATE

An Open Letter to Wife for Life
Hey Hun, @denieshablackford how are you? Long-time no see.
I heard you’re doing well – finished your studies at the little makeshift College (never heard of it myself – is it affiliated to Oxford?) and after sporting out the term time bursary money surprised even your own damn self and went and got yourself a good old position cleaning excrement (never was a career path of mine but not wanting to knock your hustle I am so happy for you – you go girl!).
Anyway, with the formalities over you may wonder what have you done to be benefit from such enthusiastic contact from me. Well, Wife for Life – I advise you to put the kettle on, take out your best china (if you have none), make yourself a nice cup of tea and get comfortable on your little deluxe sofa (preferably not from Brighthouse) because I surely am about to enlighten you – because you and I – yes you read that correctly – you and I have an exciting mission in front of us that requires skill, dedication and last but not least TEAMWORK!
You may recall WIFE FOR LIFE that we share a common denominator (OUR HUSBAND) – remember him? Lord I hope you do because if not I don’t know what he is going to do. You should also recall that after I married him (with his fine self – lucky me) and brought him back to our finer shores (overturning a 10 year ban in less than 18 months – damn I’m good) you came along and allegedly married US -yes you did girl – even gave us cute matching titles: WIFE ON PAPER & WIFE FOR LIFE (your so freaking cute) and everything was shared: s*x, time, money (50% each with your bad self)- not letting go you said, in it to win you said; Well I thank the good lord that you had such sentiment because I truly believe you should still get your equal share that you so persistently demanded, and today is your lucky day my sister wife because all that you asked for I am about to give you.
You see there is another Wife on our tail that will require us to act fast and expeditiously, I don’t know if OUR HUSBAND told you about her, anyway her name is ELIZABETH (she even has the cheek to refer to herself as QUEEN – imagine!), and she runs that wicked company called IMMIGRATION (they specialising in stealing husbands and carrying them off to far shores) and if I tell you that Elizabeth has given her company the order to run off into the hills with OUR HUSBAND. And being a firm believer of equal rights and justice and in memory of your 50% share and your Wife for LIFESHIP: WE MUST ACT NOW- 50/50 or lose him forever (and whilst my WIFE ON PAPERSHIP can be torn up and thrown in the bin, you as WIFE FOR LIFE will suffer extreme detriment being that you were not letting go and all).
I remember you once said that I never gave you the chance to help him last time round, but that is all about to change – your wish is my command.
It has come to my attention that there is a meeting coming up ( and Elizabeth and her team have kindly sent me an invitation to put forward representations for MY HUSBAND – OOPS, MY BAD, OUR HUSBAND, but I’m so kind to you girl, I called them up and had them add your name to the list. That’s my problem – I am just so considerate of others (NOT), but there is no way I’m just about to let you throw in the towel now and slip away into the sunset, OH NO, we are going to keep splitting this 50/50 of OUR HUSBAND all the way to LUNAR HOUSE, IMMIGRATION OFFICE.
So, at the appointed time you are going get up bright eyed and bushy tailed, apply your best clown make up artistry skills to your cute little Caro Light skin, pull on your Fashionova jeans over that little snatched waist that only the best surgeon in Turkey gave you and hot step it down to LUNAR HOUSE like someone just pinched you and told you OUR HUSBAND is at the end of your street. You’re going to walk with the same sassiness and pepper in each step just like when you heard he was coming to throw down on your cute ass, legs akimbo and bust it wide open. Oh yes sweetie, you’re going to do all of that – and why not- after all WIFE FOR LIFE you said. I truly believe that with the both of us OUR HUSBAND cannot fail.
And in your bag WIFE FOR LIFE will be 50% of all documentation required to present to Elizabeth & her team (remember all is equal in love and war, I MEAN YOU DIDN’T THINK IT JUST APPLIED TO S*X, TIME & MONEY? I HOPE NOT or FOOL YOU – 50% to the finish line cupcake, remember you are not doing this for me BUT FOR HIM -OUR HUSBAND):
YOU WILL NEED:
• Marriage certificate (please don’t forget the photos)
• Pay slips showing salary of £24k plus
• 2 x utility bills in his name (I will do water/council tax – you only need to do gas/electric, remember all those times he was in your property topping up)
• School letters declaring him as best baby daddy of the year (remember his activeness at parent’s evening)
• £4k contribution to legal fees (if we are lucky we may be able to get OUR HUSBAND’S case to Judicial review)
• Representations challenging the audacity of Elizabeth & her team’s proposal to dry eye steal OUR HUSBAND
Dont forget your British Passport
You should have all the above – right!
I hope you do – no I pray that you do because if you do not then OUR HUSBAND will have to face the painful realisation that he risked it all for nothing, that you were not worth it (I TRIED TO WARN HIM), that your public displays of affection came without backbone or sloth, just a slither of thin air full of jack shit.
But I am hopeful that you won’t let OUR HUSBAND down and I look forward to seeing you on Thursday, if you could arrive by 1.30pm so I could double check all your documentation is intact that would be great (I will bring coffee, if you’re lucky I may even through in an Apple Danish fresh from the bakery).
Now IMMIGRATION may take long to see us, I have told them that you will speak first (no need to thank me), so you may want to bring some sort of board game to keep you occupied – CHEQUERS IS A GOOD ONE, BUT PLEASE BEAR IN MIND MY PREFERRED CHOICE IS CHESS!
Shit, I almost forgot that I won’t be going in without you and if you don’t turn up in your capacity as WIFE FOR LIFE he will no longer be OUR HUSBAND – he will become YOUR HUSBAND and you better get ready to fly year in year out behind him and take out shares in money transfer as your 50% becomes a fully-fledged 100% (see how kind I am).
See you soon
WIFE ON PAPER XX
#styleme#stylewho#styleyourself#imnottheone#wifeshipyouwant#wifeshipyouget#50/50#everythingsequalinoveandwar#
(drops mic – sips tea – reapplies lipgloss)