Torn between my husband and man on the side
Dear Pastor,
I am writing to you about a problem and I hope that you would help me to deal with it. I have been married for 20 years and I have four children with my husband. I am 40 years old and my husband is 65 years old. He is not well. He is unemployed. I do a little farming to help myself.
Pastor, when I was young, I had a boyfriend at the same time that I was seeing this man who became my husband. I always loved him more than my husband, but he used to fool around another woman. This man I married was more settled, so I chose him.
But whenever I needed something and I call him, he would always send either the item or money for me. Sometimes I had to lie to my husband and tell him that I was going to see my sister, and I would go and spend a day or so with this man. He got married, but his marriage did not last.
At one time when I was pregnant, I wasn’t sure if the child was for him or for my husband. I told him that I would abort it and he said I shouldn’t, but if the child was born and resembles him, he would support it. Everything turned out right because after I had the baby, I had no question in my mind that it was my husband’s child. She is so very bright and doing well in school.
My husband does not have any money. Everything he had was used up. My husband had to do some tests and he didn’t have the money, I couldn’t help. I asked my relatives but nobody had the money. It was this man I had to turn to. He gave me the money to pay for all the tests the doctor said my husband had to do.
My oldest child asked me if I am having an affair with this man. I asked him why he asked me that and he said that this man is so kind to me and it looks funny. I told him that he is just a good friend and had it not been for him, they would have gone to bed hungry many times. I did not tell my husband where I got the money to pay for the medical bills and tests and so on. But I am so close to this man; I can’t leave him. He is always telling me to help my husband as much as I can. He calls me every day. He has women, but he never got married again. I want you to tell me what to do.
B.E.
Dear B.E.,
I understand what you are saying. You are not a lazy woman. You have worked hard, and from the tone of your letter, your husband has worked very hard too. Unfortunately, he is about 20 years older than you and he has become ill. Indeed, he is a poor man and whatever he might have saved has been used up.
This man and you were friends during the days you were courting your husband. You could have married him, but you didn’t because you felt that he was wild, so you married your present husband. But you have maintained a good friendship and both of you have been intimate. He has been supporting you and your husband, and the children have benefited from the money you have gotten from this man. So, it is not easy for you to walk away from him.
CUT-AND-DRY MATTER
As I thought of your situation, I said to myself, this is a tough case. Many would say this is a cut and dry matter, you should leave the man, break up the relationship. And the truth is, no one could be against such a position. But on the other hand, the question might be asked, from where would you get help? Christians will say hold on to God and trust him to provide for you, and your conscience would be set free. But if you do not have such strong faith, it would not be easy to do so.
I cannot encourage you to continue to have this intimate relationship with this man. Perhaps I do not know if you are a Christian, but I do know that what you are doing cannot continue. In addition to your little farming, you might want to do a little higglering. Try and link with women who have experience in this type of work. They might be able to give you advice on how that type of work can be profitable.
If you continue to leave your husband and go to sleep with this man who helps to support you, your children would eventually find out where you are going. So, you should quit this type of lifestyle