PSYCHOLOGIST GIVES ADVICE TO ONEY’S FAMILY

(Hello please do not print my email address, however I wish to submit this post. I am a Psychologist in the New York area and is a fan of Dancehall) 

I was sent the blog post about Oney Burial dispute to make a comment because my friend in Jamaica knows the hairstylist and her fiancé. I am Jamaican by birth, an avid dancehall fan who has met Oney before on a visit to British Link up a few years ago. I wanted to just comment on the particular post, but she suggested I make a separate post because as a psychologist, I can be a voice of reason and as a Jamaican and dancehall fan, I can put things in layman terms so it make sense for the community. I heard so many stories and I have seen the posts on here, the videos, photos and I have checked out social media from all involved. This post may be long but let’s get into a few things. First, let me be very clear that I am an objective party who has no personal affiliation with any of the families from both sides.

Death is hard. Sudden death is even harder because you are ill-prepared for the circumstances. Often times in this case, the grief coupled with outstanding issues between families of the deceased propels irrational behavior, malice, contempt and anger. This is most common among in-laws and spouses. Historical studies have shown that particularly in the Caribbean community, adult children are unsupportive of their parents (mostly fathers) who either remarry or are dating younger. There is often a rift that develops over time due to varying factors like lack of attention, jealousy and insubordination. This reality also brings to light the findings that families are most likely more loyal to the term ‘First Wives’ (girlfriends) and their children and vice versa. In Oney’s case, it appears that he had several children and perhaps multiple babymothers’. It may appear that Cora, Oney’s fiancé may be either be close in age to some of his adult children and this is oftentimes a factor for resentment by the children and other family members. In cases where a spouse is well off, there is always more speculation of mistrust forced onto the outsider. You will often hear the term ‘gold-digger’ used to describe a younger spouse. This can place an enormous amount of pressure on the relationship if the couple allow these types of external factors to penetrate their relationship. When a father is close to his children, the situation is even kore detrimental to him.  In some cases, this can easily cause the demise of a relationship or marriage.

Let me address the current situation directly. If I were being hired to consult with the family; this would be my take.

1)      I understand that you are ALL hurting. I understand your behavior towards each other. Although it’s understandable that you are confused, shocked and in a deep state of grief, it is important that you respect each other. It is clear that there was ‘bad blood’ brewing before the death and perhaps this was controlled because Oney was alive and wouldn’t stand for it. Now that he’s gone, all that pent up emotions is gushing out. This is not uncommon. It’s a big part of the grieving process.

2)       Legally, in Jamaica and most commonwealth countries including Canada, a spouse is described as anyone who has resided or inhabited a space with another and have amassed personal assets over a period of FIVE years or more. It is commonly referred to as COMMON-LAW Wife. A Bill entitled, ‘The Property (Rights of Spouses) Act 2004’ was passed in Jamaica in 2001. This makes provision for the division of property belonging to spouses after a breakdown of the union. The breakdown’ in context also includes death and terminal illnesses etc. This can be easily surveyed by the courts successfully on behalf of the spouse. This means that Cora has EVERY and ALL rights to make all decisions regarding Oney’s funeral etc. This might be hard for the families to accept.

3)      When it comes to matters of personal grievances, a tragic death like Oney’s makes an even more tragic emotional breakdown for all surviving parties. People will naturally be put against each other. People will be accused of having ulterior motives and even sometimes, people will be accused of having something to do with the death. Part of this is compounded by the commonly referred term ‘Five stages’ of the grieving process. There are Denial 9and Isolation), Anger (which is evident here), Bargaining (blaming others or wondering what if), Depression and Acceptance. The latter takes a very long time in most cases.

4)      Because of our culture, we tend to dramatize these common human scenarios in our own way to belittle and shame others. In particular, the graveside scene that is all over the internet. There are several things that come to mind 9as we don’t really know) why this might have occurred.  What if Cora didn’t want the social public last images of her fiancé to be that of him lying in a casket? What if the daughter wanted to see her father one last time? From what I have read, it appears that there were formal viewing chances for the family and others to see Oney before he was buried. The public display of disagreement though propelled by confusion and anger might have been prevented.  Throughout all of this, the TWO key things that were evident is that there was a gross lack of respect and communication somewhere. The individual parties are placing blame and pointing fingers at each other, and this will continue for a while.

5)      I am pretty sure Cora and Oney’s family will never be best friends. Overtime, however (will be a while), they will be forced to accept the reality of life now that Oney is no longer a catalyst or bridge between the two sides. What I hope will happen is that as adults, they will respect each other’s spaces and allow some dignity to seep in. No side is right or wrong. Cora lives what she knows to be her truth based on her relation and the family lives their truth based on their relationship with their beloved.

6)      There is a lesson in this for all the people who read this forum. If you are in a similar situation; it’s time to get your ‘ducks in a row’. It’s time to talk about a Will with your spouse and as hard as it seems, time to start formalizing funeral plans TOGETHER so that in the event something like this occurs, there is little room for drama as everything is written in black or white. Estate planning is not for ‘White or Rich folks’, it’s for all of us. This is a warning particularly to women with children living in a common-law relationships.  

7)      In general, what we must understand is that regardless of whose side you are on. This is a family that is going through a lot of pain. It is incumbent upon us as readers to be objective, understanding and respectful. Bashing the women, degrading them and wishing them harm shows your character, not theirs. We are all going to die someday. We have no idea how unless we are terminally ill. How we live now among our fellow citizens is what matters. Death is final but dignity is forever.