SHOULD SHE LET HIM TAKE HER SON?

Dear Taiwo,

When we need to bury our past because of unpleasant memories, we need to bury it well. One thing I have learnt and still learning is the fact that you cannot always have what you want and more often than not, those things you wished had not happened rear their ugly heads when you feel you should relax.

My childhood is one to be envied by many. My parents were not rich, but we didn’t lack anything. We were a close knitted family of three, it was just my parents and I, both of them studied and met in the United Kingdom where I was born.

We came back to the country when I was 15; probably that was why it was difficult for anyone to prevail on my father to take another wife. His family members could not understand why he would want his name to die with him. He was not moved by all their talks; that was why I remained their only child until their demise.

I later learnt that my mother’s inability to conceive again was as a result of a problem she had during my birth. So you can understand where I am coming from when I said I had a beautiful childhood which didn’t prepare me in any way for what I experienced so to say when I met and fell in love the very first time.

I met Dare during my first year in the university; he was in his third year. We studied the same course, but of course, he was my senior. Along the line, he introduced me to his family and I did same.

To the best of my knowledge then, his parents and his mother who later became the thorn in the flesh of our relationship accepted me without any animosity.

Dare came from a large family of seven; five children plus his parents, he happened to be the last and the only son and his mother used to joke that she had many children because she wanted a son and she would have had more if Dare hadn’t come when he did.

Dare travelled out of the country as soon as he finished his course for his second degree which was his passion in the United Kingdom. We kept in touch and seeing him during my holidays was never a problem because I travelled to meet him. When I returned to the country for my final year in school after my summer holidays which I spent with Dare, I discovered that I was pregnant.

I told my parents, of course, for them, abortion was not an option. My father contacted Dare’s father and after speaking at length, his father spoke with him and I decided that we should have our traditional engagement; Dare was supposed to come home and when I am done with my first degree, I would join him in the United Kingdom.

It was at this stage that the problem started; Dare’s mother became the clog in the wheel of our relationship. She insisted that I will not marry her son. After all said and done and his father asked her reason, she said, Dare had been betrothed to her friend’s daughter since both of them were born; they were actually birthday mates and according to her, nothing can change that.

Dare’s father said he was not aware of such and he would allow his son to pick his own bride, but his mother insisted. Because of this issue, Dare almost missed an examination because he had to come home to see his mother face-to-face. I confronted him with this fact. He said he wasn’t aware of any arranged marriage. He confirmed growing up with the said lady as a neighbour and family friend and their relationship ended there. Even his sisters confirmed the same, but his mother insisted that things would be done her way.

When things turned out his way, my parents decided that I would not have an abortion; I should have my baby and complete my education. Dare and his dad kept pleading with my parents and he insisted that he would marry me or no other person. It was a traumatic time for me, but I was lucky to have my parents and family’s support.

The unfortunate, however happened when my pregnancy was about six months, Dare’s father travelled to South Africa on a business trip. He did not return home, he died of cardiac arrest in South Africa. This threw their family into turmoil. It was a sad situation. I was well into my third trimester by the time the burial and other family issues were sorted out. It was so bad that his mother didn’t want my parents and I at the burial. Dare as the only son had to come home and to everyone’s surprise, her mother’s friend’s daughter was paraded and introduced to everyone as his wife to be. To the extent that she wore the same aso-ebi with them.

My parents and I were not there, we decided to excuse ourselves after the initial hostility, but we heard all that happened through Dare and his sisters who were all opposed to what their mother did. I gave birth to a baby boy about two months after Dare’s father’s death. Everyone who saw Oluwasanumi; my baby said he is his grandfather’s carbon copy. Dare’s sisters wept more because of their mother’s behaviour.

A lot happened afterwards, Dare and I went our different ways, because, he eventually did his mother’s wish by marrying her friend’s daughter. With my parents support, though painful, I had to continue with my life. I relocated to the United States with Sanu, my son through the help of my auntie after my youth service. My US trip was deliberate and I started afresh.

I met and fell in love with Greg; a half-caste, with an American mother and a Nigerian mother, who is very familiar with his roots. He learnt about all I went through and loved me with my son. To prove his love for me, he adopted my son as his and cared for him just like his own.

After 13 years of marriage and two other children, Greg decided that we should come home and start our own business; this we did four years ago. I lost both parents within three months interval, two years ago, but before my parents died, they insisted that I tell Sanu about his true paternity. Greg agreed with them, but assured him that whatever we told him would not affect how we feel about him.

Lucky that we told him, sometime in June, we attended a family friend’s 60th birthday party. There, Sanu met Dare by accident at the car park. The resemblance was much and his friend who was with him asked to meet Sanu’s parents. Lo and behold, they met Greg and I. Greg already knew about Dare, so I had no problem with that. I love my husband and appreciate him for his understanding.

One thing led to another, and Dare wanted to take Sanu. His mother is still alive; she has been to my house to plead with Greg and I to let them have the boy.

I won’t allow him not even for visitation. I later learnt that Dare’s marriage broke up as a result of incompatibility and the fact that his wife couldn’t have children for him. She remarried and had children, but Dare couldn’t have kids after marrying again three times.

They all see me as a wicked person; only one of his sisters understands me. What if Dare’s wife had children, would they have wanted anything to do with Sanu? My son also does not want to have anything to do with his father’s people, as expected they blame me for this. Please, am I wrong in my decision?