Dear Taiwo,
I mourn and grieve, I lost my 42- day-old baby, yet I get the blame for her death. I am in pains; as if struggling to come to terms with the fact that the precious bundle I carried in my stomach for good nine months, through thick and thin, pains and all is no more, my husband; a man I felt should support me through my pains, keeps rubbing salt in my injury and wounding my heart by accusing me of our baby’s death.
Ayooluwatomiwa, was not planned for. We decided to hang our boot, after our second child, a boy. Our first also is a girl like Ayooluwa. Apart from the economic situation in the country, one has to be very sensible with the family number, I had to be careful because of my health. This is because anytime I am pregnant; my blood pressure would shoot up to a very dangerous level. In fact, I almost lost my life to eclamsia, when I was in labour for my son’s birth.
With all these and with the fact that my husband needed to settle down and work on his business, we decided that the two were enough. My religious conviction does not support family planning in its entirety, so I have always relied on the withdrawal method and it has always worked for me.
My husband and I met in the United States of America; he had already finished his Masters Degree, while I just arrived in Maryland to study for my Masters degree. We met at the train station; my cousin who was supposed to take me out had to attend to other pressing issues. I agreed to go out alone only to discover that there were some little things I couldn’t handle.
I was struggling to get some things on when Tunji walked up to me, smiled at my tardiness and helped me out. We got talking and he told me that he was worse than me when he arrived and he made the same mistake and that was why he recognised the fact that I was a jay-jay-cee. We became friends and before we could define it we started a relationship, which eventually led to my first daughter’s pregnancy, just before I finished my programme.
My parents were angry, but Tunji stood by me. We came home after my Masters degree and got married. I got a good job with an accounting firm, but he wasn’t lucky as he was not fulfilled with the banking job he secured. He had to resign to start his own business.
Along the line I had my second child, a boy. His pregnancy was a difficult one. I was in and out of the hospital for months and at a level I was placed on permanent bed rest. My boss understood and he was very supportive. We lived in Abuja then; when the baby came, my mother-in-law was unable to come and help because my husband’s younger sister also gave birth to a baby which was her first. My mum came but couldn’t stay for too long because she had to go back to work. I took care of my son and everything was okay.
Not long after the birth of our boy, Tunji had to move to Lagos to partner with a friend of his to float a business. We reluctantly agreed that he should leave Abuja. I had a well paying job, so we thought he would come visiting and I would also visit him in Lagos, but at a stage, we discovered that this arrangement was not working.
It was during one of his visits to Abuja that I became pregnant again. It was much unexpected, more so, my son was still quite young, under a year. I contemplated having an abortion, but my religious conviction and the fact that I was about three months pregnant wouldn’t allow me.
I had no choice but to give up my job and move to Lagos to be with my husband and other family members. If I stated that my son’s pregnancy was difficult, then I can say Ayooluwatomiwa’s was terrible. The hospital became my second home with my blood pressure consistently high. Thank God for God and the fact that my husband and family members could afford to give me the best.
Eventually she came, a little later than she was expected, tiny and adorable. We all loved her. This time, my mother-in-law came to stay with us. I needed her, because of the fact that I had a Cesarean Section, just like in my other births, I was very ill and even after delivery, and the doctor’s still had to help manage my blood pressure.
There were a lot of things mama wanted to use on my daughter that I was opposed to. She brought herbs and other concoctions which I refused. Ayooluwa was a small baby, agreed, she has all the medical attention she needed, and I have never used herbs for any of my children. Mama and I always disagreed on this and eventually, she told Tunji. I stood my grounds. She left in annoyance when my daughter was 23 days old.
I managed to take care of my kids and home, after all, if we were living abroad and we cannot afford to bring any relative over, I would do my duty. Give it to my husband, he was there for us and he really helped out. Two weeks ago, Ayooluwa started coughing. Immediately, we took her to the hospital, of course, where she would get the best treatment. It was just cough; she passed on in her sleep, two days after.
I was devastated and inconsolable. I cried my eyes out and my husband had to remind me of my own health issues which of course by then was already coming up. My mother had to come and when she left, my mother-in-law came too. As soon as she entered our house, she told me that I killed my daughter.
It was the strangest thing I have ever heard, I kept quiet because I thought I didn’t hear her well. I was however shocked to the marrows when after I told my husband when he returned from work and he confirmed in plain language what his mother said.
That automatically means that they must have discussed it before she told me. I feel really bad and I felt betrayed especially by Tunji my husband. How would I go through that trauma and kill my baby? Is such a thing possible?
I told Tunji I wanted to leave for my parents house so that I will be able to get over what happened and his betrayal, he refused to allow me. He said his mother came so as to keep me company and take care of me and it won’t be nice to walk out on her. Is he not being selfish? What should I do? Please, I need your urgent advice. The situation is choking me and I really cannot guarantee my next action. Thanks.
Ifeoluwa.