HIM CYAH TEK HIM MOTHER-IN-LAW

Dear Taiwo,

I am a thorough bred Yoruba man and I was brought up and raised to respect my parents and all those who are older than me. I also know that the Bible charges us to do same. I was not born a Christian, though, but thanks to my wife and her parents who made sure I became a Christian before getting married to her.

I have no regrets though, because I love her so much and my parents have nothing against my action. They are free thinkers who believe in the fact that we are all one. If not for them and their accommodating attitude, probably, Patience and I would not be together as husband and wife today, talk less of having a baby.

Patience and I met in Dubai, we were both there on holidays; taking time off our busy schedules. I saw her twice, before approaching her and we gelled immediately. Our friendship started and we did not start dating until about six months after we had met.

The reason for the delay was the fear that her parents might not approve of me because I am from another tribe and also on the difference in our religious beliefs. Despite her fears, our relationship became more serious and we couldn’t do without each other.

Coincidentavvlly, I met Patience at a time my parents and siblings were on my neck that it was high time I brought home a woman. When I saw the way our relationship as going, I told my parents everything, including her fears, they encouraged me to bring her home, which I did.

Despite the fact that my father would have preferred that I marry from my tribe, being the only son, he couldn’t help but like Patience and my parents took to her immediately. At subsequent visits, when Patience raised her fears with my parents, they assured her that all will be well and that they will pray for our happiness.

As expected, her parents behaved to type, they refused to even see me, once they learnt that I am from another tribe and to add insult on their injury, to use her father’s words, ‘I share a different religious faith from theirs’.

It was a tug of war, but eventually, love prevailed as Patience got the family’s religious mentor to speak with her parents. They however gave the condition for their consent; they wanted me to change and accept their faith. Initially, this was difficult for me, but my parents encouraged me.

My father who I felt would kick against this development gave his full support and my season of transition began. Eventually, we got married. The fact that we still needed to get used to and learn a lot about our tribal differences still remained, but that was easy because both of us were determined to make our union work.

I got to know that my wife’s father is a simple easy going man, just like my father and I really like and respect him. I cannot say same of my mother-in-law as she is over bearing and enjoys having her way at all times. I don’t have a problem with this, inasmuch as this will not affect my immediate family in any way.

My wife and I however had to wait on the Lord for the blessing of the fruit of the womb, seven years after our wedding. Both parents were there for us and my mother-in-law’s overzealousness, of course was expected.

God answered us and we were blessed with a bouncing baby boy two months ago. My parents and I reside in the same town and I expected that my mother would come and help out with the care of both mother and son, but my mother-in-law came almost a month before my wife put to bed, the surprising thing was the fact that she didn’t come alone, she came with her cousin and informed my wife and I that they both would be staying till she delivered and will help with the baby care.

My wife wanted to raise an issue over this, but I asked her to remain calm, of course, we have enough to feed and take care of them; then give it to my mother-in-law, there was nothing she didn’t bring when she was coming; she came with enough food stuffs to feed an army.

Eventually the baby came and she took over. My mother came and I had to ask her to leave after two days because I didn’t want my wife’s mother to insult her. I love my parents, they are very understanding. Two days to the naming ceremony, when my parents sent the ram and other food stuffs to the house, my wife’s mother asked what they were for. Her daughter explained to her, but she was of a different opinion. She wanted us to wait till the baby’s christening after three months as it is done in their culture. I refused bluntly and this led to some bad feelings.

I know her and I wasn’t bothered by her attitude, the worst scenario would be that she would excuse us in my house for the day. Secondly, she insisted that my baby must not be christened according to my religious dictate. When she raised this, I told her nothing changed the fact, she raised hell, but I have been well brought up not to be rude to adults, especially my mother-in-law, but I must confess that I was really tempted to.

Throughout the naming ceremony and the party, she didn’t leave the visitors room where she stays with her cousin. She did not greet my parents and she ignored everybody. It was okay by me; so long she remained in the room. My wife wept bitterly and apologised to my parents. Of course, they understood all what was going on and nobody was going to take it out on her.

After the naming ceremony, my mother-in-law and her cousin took over my wife’s kitchen which I believe was deliberate. They would cook their native delicacy not minding if it was convenient for me or not. Even my wife has no say. Apart from this, both of them would talk loudly and make uncomplimentary comments about guests who come to the house, laughing and giggling over their jokes.

My wife asked her mother to leave, but instead of doing exactly that she said I asked her out. Eventually, my father-in-law had to come in and when he asked her to return home, she said it is mandatory for her to stay with her daughter for the first three months.

Is this right? How long can I cope with her? Please, help me.

Hafeez.